英语笑话

Psychiatrist 精神病医生

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "Ive got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think theres somebody under it. Im going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and Ill cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." Ill sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didnt you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Aint nobody under there now!!!

杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了！”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢？”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗？有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎么做到的？”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了！”

Problem with gas放屁的问题

A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesnt really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they dont smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Heres a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets start working on your hearing."

有位小老太太去看医生：“医生，我有爱放屁的毛病。其实也不是大问题，只是我放屁不臭而且没声音。事实上，我在这里已经放了20多个屁，但是你并不知道对吧，因为我的屁不臭，而且还没声音。”医生说：“好的，我明白了。吃这个药片，一天三次连续吃七天，下星期你再来。”一星期后老太太来了，“医生，你到底给的我什么药，现在我放屁还是没声音，但是怎么这么臭！”医生说：“太好了！你的嗅觉正常了，现在开始治听觉。”

Poisonous snakes 毒蛇

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither. The son asks, "Dad，are we poisonous snakes?" The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?" "Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

一个阳光明媚的下午，蛇父亲和蛇儿子出去散步。儿子问：“爸爸，我们是毒蛇吗？”父亲得意的答道：“当然了，孩子，我们是响尾蛇啊！为什么这么问呢？”“因为，我刚把舌头咬破了！”

Photo 我老婆的照片

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know its time to go home."

一个生意人走进一家酒馆，在吧台坐下，点了一杯加冰的双料martini。喝完，那生意人往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼，然后又让服务员把杯子满上。喝完，生意人又往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼，然后又让服务生帮他把杯子满上。这时酒馆的服务生说话了，“呃，老兄，我整个晚上给你倒martini都没有问题，但你得告诉我，你为什么在点下一杯酒前都要往自己衬衣的口袋里偷偷看那么一眼”。生意人回答，“我看的是我老婆的一张照片。如果照片上的人开始变得好看起来，那就说明我喝得差不多了，该回家了。”

Talking clock 会说话的钟

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "Hows it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! Its two oclock in the morning!"

一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”

Parking Expenses停车费

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"

一个商人走进纽约一家银行询问信贷员。他说他准备出差去欧洲两个星期需要借款5000美金。信贷员说银行借款需要提供担保品。商人马上掏出停在银行门前的劳斯莱斯汽车的钥匙。一切手续办妥后银行信贷员接受了汽车做为贷款的抵押。店员把汽车开到银行地下车库并停放在那里。
两个星期后商人从欧洲回来，偿还了5000元借款以及15.41元的利息。信贷员问：“非常感谢您的光顾，这笔交易做得也很完美，但是我们有一个疑问，你离开后我们查了一下发现您是一个富翁。为什么您会不怕麻烦来这借5000元呢？”
商人回答：“除了您这我还能在纽约市的其他地方只需付款15元就能停车两个星期吗？”

He never heard a thing!他什么都没听到

Working at the post office, Im used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "Whats the trouble?" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel. "Oh, good," she gushed. "Weve been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husbands new hearing aid."
我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗？”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了！”“是什么好东西？”我问。 “我丈夫的新助听器”。

A Hasty Interruption 轻率的插话

The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "Youll never believe this one, " I told him." I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. "
Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Dont tell me she hasnt received them yet!"

我所工作的精品家具商店是从20世纪二十年代以来就营业的。最近我接到一个妇女的电话。她想换一套餐具中的一些椅子。这套餐具她是在三十年代从我们这儿买的。我向她保证说我们可以帮她的忙，于是我向部门经理寻求帮助。“你永远也不会相信，”我对他说，“我刚接到一个顾客的电话，她在三十年代从我们这里买了一些椅子。”
我还没来得及说她的要求，经理就打断了我的话：“你别告诉我她到现在还没收到货！”

Business just started开张大吉

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, Ive come to activate your phone lines."
一个年轻人的公司刚刚开张。他租用了漂亮的办公室，办公室内还放上了古董作装饰。这天，这位年轻人正在办公室里面坐着，他看到一个男的走进了办公室。为显示他是个成功的老板，这位年轻的生意人拿起电话假装正在谈大买卖，张觜就是三、五个亿，闭觜就说一切搞定、没问题！好不容易电话“打”完，挂上听筒，年轻人问进来的那人，“您有事吗？”那人说，“有事，我是来给你开通电话的”。

Class, Lass and Ass班级、情人和蠢驴

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

Tom教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“Tom教授明天将和大家见面”。
一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”擦掉，教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉，看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。